This article is just for fun; First a Scottish story is built with as many names of brands of Whisky as we could fit in. Simply read the story and see how many brand names you can pick out. This is followed with some foolishness based very very loosley on Jeff Foxworthy's comedy routine.

A Scottish Story:

Local hero Johnny Walker was summoned to appear before the Haig to answer charges that he was caught performing Knockdhu with Ladyburn near her Littlemill home located in the very shadow of Ben Nevis. Fearing to fly, Mr. Walker booked passage aboard the Cutty Sark to be present at the trial. The trip was difficult as Captain Long John had difficulty steering the ship through rough seas off the Isle of Jura. The ship had to stop in Port Ellen and Port Charlotte before passing the Arran Islands. Fellow travelers Glen Keith and Glen Grant were seen heaving over the Hankey Bannister on the rough tip on several occasions as the ship’s Bells tolled the hour. It was a Longmorn for Mr. Walker as he was roughed up a bit on the trip and appeared to have a bad case of Monkey Shoulder which dimmed the normally jolly Dimple of his smile. He obtained legal council from William Grant & Sons to represent him in this matter and was seen at North Port withdrawing funds in Morriston Gold from the Rosebank near Highland Park. He could not use the Springbank as that bank had been closed by its owners McClelland and Fettercairn when they bought out the Strathmill on Speyburn and turned it into a golf course that they named the Gran Old Parr.
Mr. Walker was seen near the Church of St. Magdalene in his Black and White riding outfit carrying a Black Bottle of Bunnahabhain to Bell’s and Son’s where his long time friends Glen Moray and Dallas Dhu worked. The old sign read J&B just overhead as Mr. Walker entered the building owing to the building having once been occupied by Bailie Nicol Jarvie who was partnered with Mr. Buchanan’s son. Glen Flagler was tossing Linkwood on the Millburn and welcomed Mr. Walker warmly. They got caught up on such topics as the Old Inverness Teacher’s problems with Pittyvaich the green grocer and Stewart’s Cream of the Barley crop failing this last harvest season. Then they had a drink of The Macallan and toasted Mr. Walkers luck with the upcoming trial. Johnny jumped on William Lawson’s White Horse and rode down the coast to visit an Old Smuggler who supposedly had Something Special for him from the time of Queen Anne. It started to rain and since any port is good in a Pinch he rode into the abandoned Ballantines distillery where he stood near Vat 69 which was the only place the roof was not leaking. Finally the rain ended and Mr. Walker rode past Loch Lomond and Dufftown only to find that the Old Smuggler had not bothered to show up. Johnny yelled to his horse whose name was Old Pultney to giddy up and soon arrived at court for the trial. The Grand Macnish yelled for order in the Glenury Royal Imperial court and bade all present to give the Royal Salute to Lord Grants who was a Famous Grouse and complainer known throughout the land.
Glen Turner was the prosecutor and Ben Riach was up for the defense. Mr. Walker was asked to show his Passport the trial then went started. The case was soon thrown out of court as Judge Glenlochy ruled no evidence was presented to support the case.

With Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy

I have discussed at length how this is a snob-free site and we really try to keep it that way. I do admit that everyone has their own opinions on things especially when it comes to spirits and one’s personal likes and dislikes. So this is to cleanse my system from my personal stereotypes and prejudices and hopefully is a little fun even if you recognize yourself somewhere in here.
If you love dollar long-neck night at your local bar, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you just have to use the “e” when you spell Scotch whisky, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you believe single malt means that they made it with one scoop of ice cream, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think beer should be pale yellow and liquor should be clear, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you order a glass of Cutty Shark, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think Canadian Club is a fine scotch, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you drink your whisky with copious amounts of Coca-Cola, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think scotch is made by scotch people in Scotchland, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think that Pete gives some scotch its smoky taste, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you believe that William Grant & Sons is a law firm, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you believe that Speyburn is some kind of carpet burn, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think that The Famous Grouse is a Saturday morning cartoon character, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you believe that Highland Park is a horse racing track, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think that Glen Keith is someone you can’t quite place from high school, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think that Dufftown is where they make Homer Simpson’s beer, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you think that Johnny Walker is a portable toilet for hikers, you may not be a scotch drinker.
If you believe that Monkey Shoulder is a side effect of rheumatism, you may not be a scotch drinker.

We hope you enjoyed a wee bit of fun, we promise not to do this sort of thing too much.

The Whisky Warrior